As a parent, following your child’s ASD diagnosis, you will try your best to learn how to support and parent your child with ASD. However, it’s important to also consider your neurotypical (well, sometimes) sibling.
How do you help your neurotypical child understand what is happening and develop a sibling relationship and bond that will last a lifetime?
All sibling relationships have their ups and downs. Siblings are our first friends, our childhood tormentors, and our longest-lasting connections. With a shared childhood, siblings can often understand each other better than anyone—including how to push each other’s buttons.
You have two or maybe more children with very different needs. However, do not assume that your neurotypical child knows less than you. As a parent, you learned about ASD later in life. A sibling has learned about ASD from the day they were born. They might not be able to name it, but they see the difference in their sibling. They develop their own strategies for coping, accept behavioral differences, and understand them, probably before you as parents do.
Talk to Your Siblings About ASD and Your Family
Your neurotypical child may understand the differences in their sibling but may not understand why. This is where you, as a parent with your newly learned knowledge, need to talk to the sibling(s). Explain what ASD means and how you will manage their behavior differently.
Our oldest child is neurotypical—well, some of the time; she is a teenager. Our youngest child is autistic. From a very early age following her diagnosis, we realized behavioral discipline would have to be handled differently for each child. With our oldest child, you have to be firm and clear with the boundaries you set and be prepared to push back if an overstep occurs, usually supported by a verbal discussion (which can be rather loud!). No, we are not strict disciplinarians. Setting boundaries with our youngest involves telling her what our expectations are and why, then setting the boundary. If she oversteps, we do not push back. Instead, we sit down and have a quiet and calm discussion explaining why the boundary has been overstepped. In both cases, there will be a consequence for that overstep, but with a different approach to getting there.
Our oldest recognized this and challenged us as to why there was a difference.
How Do You Communicate the Differences in Behavior Management When Challenged?
Giving Time and Space for Open Conversation
Give each sibling the one-on-one time they need, providing a space to talk to you without distractions about their life and allowing them to ask questions. Let both siblings know they have time set aside for them. Don’t make that time the time spent driving to appointments. Although our youngest seems to like talking and asking me difficult questions on these journeys, I think it is because she does not have to look at me. The fact that I am meant to be concentrating on driving is absolutely irrelevant!
Differences
Be honest about their differences and share age-appropriate information. Each person is different from the next, so explaining these differences is not uncommon. Explain how your neurodiverse child thinks differently and sees things differently. Listen to their point of view; they may provide you with a different perspective. Discuss emotions openly and teach your kids the range of reactions individuals can have to the same event. Ensure there is an open channel for communication so that your child can come to you with questions and concerns.
Listening!
Communication can be difficult at times for anyone. A neurotypical adult can have difficulty communicating with their neurodiverse child. Expecting a neurotypical child to communicate easily with their neurodiverse sibling, when it can be challenging for an adult, is unfair. Listen; negative emotions like jealousy and resentment are normal sibling behavior, certainly from my childhood experience. Listen to what they have to say and remember they are never wrong—they are communicating from their perspective. Listen closely, and validate their feelings before you try to solve anything.
Sharing the Fun Things
Children will find a way to play together; you may need to help them discover this. If standard board games or playing cards don’t work (although we love a good game of rummy), think outside the box. Try rock pooling at the beach; one might love to fall in and get wet, while the other might prefer staying dry but enjoys looking for things. For them, it is a shared experience and common ground that helps build their sibling relationship. They both enjoyed rock pooling; the neurodiverse child thought the neurotypical child was bonkers for falling in and getting wet. Then an age-appropriate discussion about perspectives ensued, resulting in better understanding. You will not get it right the first time; it will take many attempts. Hang in there!
Sibling Rivalry – Conflicts
Every parent likes to believe that their children have the perfect relationship and would never hurt their sibling. In a nice fluffy world, you may believe this. Take it from me; I have two sisters, and yes, we love each other. We are very different, and at times we could have cheerfully tried to kill each other. But to this day, we love and support each other and don’t kill each other. As much. Sibling relationships will have their ups and downs; building that unspoken trust, love, and support takes years of understanding and arguments. Children with different neurological profiles may need a little help to understand a different perspective and resolve an argument without fighting. Have a calm-down/timeout space, then have a sit-down with only one child speaking at a time. Teach them to understand and respect each other’s perspectives. Again, this will not work the first time or the second time, but it will eventually. Hang in there.
Being Similar – Strengthening the Sibling Bond
You can spend a lot of time explaining differences and perspectives, but what about their similarities? They will be there. Promote the similarities: they both do not like going to bed on time, they both hate tidying their bedroom. Siblings like to have a shared goal, which is usually when they gang up together and go against a parent. At that point, they are on the same team, using that sibling bond. This is a good place to point out their similarities, strengthening that bond, even if it’s a little annoying for you as a parent.
Parenting neurologically different children can be entertaining, stressful, and amazing. Siblings will be in each other’s lives longer than most other friends and family; they will support each other throughout their lives. As a parent, it is worth investing time and effort to establish this relationship positively and respectfully. A good sibling relationship is a source of comfort for each sibling and something every parent wants for their children.
